Everyone tells you to cherish the time when your babies are small. But to really put that in perspective they should say, “Cherish the time when you can eat your baby’s Halloween candy without them noticing.”

My daughter just said, “My favorite movie is “Barf.” It’s an old movie, so it looks like a TV show. First the Incredible Hulk barfs in the toilet. Then a baseball player barfs on a pumpkin. Haha! It’s such a funny movie!” Then she went in the bathroom and while she was in there I heard her talking to herself about it. She said, “The Incredible Hulk doesn’t barf! Haha! That’s so crazy!” Then she came out and said there was another movie called “New Movie About Old Books,” where people sit around reading old books. Do I have any connections to big time Hollywood producers? If so she would like to set up a meeting. Thanks.

Shout out to the amazon reviewer who gave peanut butter pretzels 2 out of 5 stars because she “wishes they were healthier.” I hear ya, girlfriend.

My daughter keeps talking about how she wants to be president. I told her it takes a lot of hard work. She said, “Yes. You have to go to president school for 60 years. I wonder what my brother is going to be when he grows up. Probably my president friend. Or the president of boobs.”

A lady was walking next to me on the sidewalk. She said, “Your kids are beautiful, I wish mine were still that small!”
“Aww. How old are yours?”
“31. I’m a grandma now.”
“Well I hear that’s pretty great too!”
The lady looks around like she’s afraid someone will hear what she’s about to say, then whispers, “You love your grandkids MORE. Don’t ever tell anyone I said that.”
I knew it!