They should sell children’s sized gloves everywhere. Metrocard vending machines. Coffee shops. Schools. At the doctor’s office. The cereal aisle in the grocery store. Where you put money in the parking meter, children’s gloves should also be available. When the server finishes taking your order in a restaurant they should say, “And do your kids need gloves with their pasta?” When you go to the post office they should ask, “Do you need any stamps or children’s gloves today?” They should have citi bike except for children’s gloves. Entire lanes of traffic blocked off exclusively to sell gloves. And there would be no overhead cost because they could just collect the ones kids threw all over the sidewalk that morning and resell them.
Two dorky guys and a girl were on the train.
Guy #1: Do we get out here?
Girl: No, I said it was two stops!
Guy #2: You know how I remembered that? Because I thought to myself “two trains.” Like the rapper 2 Chainz. I do that for everything. Like if a room has two windows I say, “two panes!” And if I’m driving and have to move to the far right lane I’m like “two lanes!”
Girl: “He’s right! He does that for everything!”
Guy #1: “So like, if I spill something on my shirt I can say two stains?”
Guy #2: “No man, that one’s stupid.”
Yes, I know my son has a runny nose. No, that’s not why he’s crying. He’s crying because he’s going to fall asleep in less than a minute. This is what he does before he takes a nap in the stroller. I know this because I’m his mom. No, I’m not going to wipe his nose. If I do he will totally freak out and it will delay his nap by at least an hour. Then the rest of the day will be all weird. I have a system. Because I’m his mom. Oh look, in the time it took for you to ask me over and over about his runny nose he fell asleep. Told ya.
My daughter was lying on my bed staring at the wall.
“Mommy, I’m watching Frozen. Did you know that’s a movie?”
“Really? I’ve never heard of that. Sounds like a pretend movie to me.”
“No it isn’t, my friend at school said she saw it!”
“I dunno, are you sure she didn’t make it up? That doesn’t sound like a real movie.”
“I’m watching pretend Frozen!”
Hmmmm, wonder how long I can keep this one going.
Some lady on the street in Williamsburg- “I love your daughter’s leggings!”
Me- “Thanks! I even have the same exact pair in my size.”
Lady- “Oh yeah, I remember when American Apparel had those like three years ago.”
OH NO SHE DI’INT
It was one of those rainy days in New York where everyone was wet and disheveled, except for this super suave guy in a suit standing across the train platform.
Sometimes when I give my daughter Pirate’s Booty for a snack she says, “Pirate’s Booty? Why don’t they call it Pirate’s BUTT? Mommy can I have some more BUTT please?” and laughs so hard at her own joke that she falls off the chair. Other times she sits calmly and talks to me, and says things like, “Mommy, did you know that a camel with only one hump is called a dromedary?” and it seems like she’s 30 years old. I never know which it’s going to be, but I love both.
What’s funny is that the people who used to be into Nine Inch Nails are now the people who eat oysters al fresco by Madison Square Park.