Month: February 2016

Hashtag Granola Bars are Everything


Ok guys, I get that millennials say funny-sounding things, and growing up exclusively in the internet age has made them speak in hashtags, and maybe their helicopter parents let them drink out of sippy cups for too long or whatever it is they did wrong, but we are starting to hate on them for reasons that are so dumb that it’s starting to make us look like the dumb ones for even pointing them out. Everyone this week is reporting the “Millennials are too lazy to eat cereal” survey, which basically says that they think eating cereal in the morning involves too many steps, with all the pouring milk and washing bowls and whatnot. And people are BUGGING OUT over it. My first thought was, “But I’ve been eating granola bars for 20 years for this exact reason! What’s the big deal? Who doesn’t love food you can eat on the train or in your car without looking like a weirdo?” And if I’m being completely honest, I never eat salads because SO. MUCH. CHEWING. This stuff is what is going to make all of us nice 30-somethings look like cranky old people long before our time. Leave everyone’s snacks alone.

Moms Don’t Get Sick Days (We Get Exorcist Days)


I just got over a tragic 3-day stomach flu. Tragic I tell you. “Moms don’t get sick days” is one of those things you hear all the time in Huffington Post patenting articles, and see on motivational Instagram accounts alongside a stock photo of a cup of coffee with a big heart drawn around it in crayon. Such an endearing little thing to say. Except the reality is not cute at all. Being sick for a few days when you have kids to take care of is a dark, wretched experience. To me it’s like my primal caveman forces get so threatened by the fact that I’m unable to take care of my children properly that I turn into some sort of evil, lashing out monster (MOMster, get it? Hahaha…sob). This time I couldn’t even unpack the groceries, and gave the responsibility to my husband who I then yelled at for putting all the stuff in the wrong place because apparently my inner cave person is a control freak. I can only imagine how mad she gets when her cave husband hangs her best Saber-toothed tiger skin dress on a wire hanger in their cave closet, or the dinosaur pizza guy is running late and everyone is hungry. Luckily I don’t get sick that often but if you’re really wondering what it’s like, I was watching The Exorcist on TV a few weeks ago. I said, “I used to think this movie was kind of scary, but now she seems totally normal to me. That’s just me when I’m sick.” My husband didn’t argue.

Is Taco Bell Educational?

It’s my daughter’s winter break from preschool, and I was excited to do some fun cultural activities with her in the few days she had off. Last night I asked her, “What do you want to do tomorrow? We have the whole day free!”
Immediately she replied, “Go to Starbucks!”
“Oh. Well I mean, if you could do anything you wanted in the whole city what would you do?”
She thought for a minute longer. “Hmmm…oh I know! Go to Taco Bell!”
I figured she was just tired, and would have a better answer the next day. Maybe a museum, or the library or something. But she didn’t. When she was getting dressed this morning she said, “Better put on my Starbucks outfit!”
Ahh New York, where there are virtually thousands of educationally stimulating activities available at your fingertips. Bad coffee. Bean burritos. The possibilities are endless.

A Psychology Lesson From Saved by the Bell

excited.jpgI was drinking out of this mug and my daughter said, “What is that girl doing?”
I said, “She’s crying. She’s also laughing. Well not really laughing, but she’s overwhelmed with emotion. She’s excited and scared at the same time, so she’s making a weird face.”
“WOW. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me. Whoa.”
Who knew Jesse Spano’s caffeine pill meltdown could be a lesson in complex human emotions?

The World’s Saddest Garbage, on the Coldest Day of the Year


I love this because it’s kind of really sad, and kind of really funny, and kind of really mysterious. The handwriting is so good that it almost looks like an adult wrote it. Maybe the mom took a photo of their baby holding it and sent it to the dad who is on a business trip. But if that’s the case then she definitely should have written “I miss you daddy!” with an exclamation point instead of a sad face. I mean, if someone sent that to me I would start feeling super guilty for leaving. Maybe it’s a cue card for a movie they were filming to remind the child actor to make a sad face when he says the line, “I miss you daddy.” It could even be an adult kid in their 30’s just being a jerk to their dad. But if it’s actually from a kid to their dad and it’s in the garbage ON TOP of the garbage like that, then it’s just plain amazing.

I Think I Broke Google

My daughter is at the age where she asks lots of questions about everything, but most of them make me totally rethink reality and it’s starting to mess with my head. For example, before bed at night we like to look at the map on her bedroom wall and talk about different countries and last night she said, “That’s Greenland. That’s Africa. That’s the North Pole. That’s the West Pole.” I said, “You mean the South Pole. There isn’t a West Pole.” Not only did I not have a good answer as to why there are no East and West Poles, but it started to bother me later on when I was trying to go to sleep. Who cares that there is no East or West axis, those directions deserve recognition too! Then this morning she was practicing her letters and asked me how to spell the name “Nina” (her pretend mom). After I spelled it out for her she said, “The letter I looks the same as the number 1. How do you know that some people with I’s in their name aren’t spelling it with a number 1?” And again, I suddenly wasn’t sure! I mean look at Prince. There are probably more people like that! And yesterday I was unpacking a new fire extinguisher to put in the kitchen, and she asked “What’s that for?” After I explained what it was, without missing a beat she said, “But what about lava? What do we do in case of lava?” I told her only people who live close to volcanoes have to worry about lava. But then I wondered, “Wow, what is the protocol for that? Do they have volcano drills in schools?” At least that one was easy to look up. My google search history is hilarious right now.

Michelle Obama is My Favorite Person

Did you guys see that interview with the Obamas yesterday before the Superbowl where Michelle kept joking about the “champagne room” in the White House? It totally reinforced her title as My Favorite Person Ever. Each time she said it my husband and I would crack up, and our 4 year-old would ask, “What’s so funny?” We sort of ignored her at first, but by the third time she demanded, “MOMMY! DADDY! WHAT IS SO FUNNY?” I said, “Michelle Obama was just making a joke that we thought was funny.” She wasn’t having it. “What was the joke? Why was it funny? What’s a champagne room?” I had to think fast. “She was talking about how she names the rooms in her house. And one she named the champagne room. Isn’t that funny?” The rest of the night our daughter kept saying, “Champagne room! I want to go to the champagne room!” I kind of hope she says it at school today.


My daughter was leaving to go stay at her grandparents’ house for the weekend. I knew I wouldn’t see her for a couple of days, so I wanted to make our goodbye special.
“Sweetie, I love you so much, and hope you have the best time ever. Grandma and Grandpa love you so much too. They can’t wait to play with you. I bet Grandma made meatballs for you, she knows you love those. Is there a special book you’d like to take to read tonight before bed?”
“Mommy,” she said with a loving smile, “Can I blow my nose into your shirt?”
Did she even hear me, or was she just thinking about blowing her nose into my shirt the whole time? Don’t answer that.