On Track Betting

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I don’t like to use the term “crazy” because I think it sounds disrespectful or something, but let’s just say my kids were playing cards on the train and an older lady wearing a lime green tube top and missing several teeth sat next to Oscar and studied his hand very carefully. They were just playing “war” by the way. She said something, but I didn’t understand any of her words. Then when they put down their next card, she said something (again I have no idea what it was) very enthusiastically, and quickly grabbed a snack size bag of sour cream and onion potato chips from the worn plastic bag she was carrying, laid it on top of their cards, threw her hands in the air as you would do if you’d just lost a poker game, and got out at the next stop. A dad and his son sitting across from us burst out laughing. We burst out laughing. Everyone burst out laughing.

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Fringe Kimonos: Don’t Believe the Hype

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Things that happen when you are a stay at home mom and also wear practical clothing such as a trendy fringe kimono:

1. It gets hung on your wallet zipper while taking out your metrocard, sending the wallet ricocheting behind your head so you have to crawl back under the turnstile to retrieve it and wow I’m glad it wasn’t rush hour.

2. It gets looped over the handrail in the back of the elevator and you get stuck and can’t walk out and your kids already walked out without you, and you get think for a second they’re going to go get on the train without you, which to be honest at this point they might be better off.

3. When you get home and start making mac & cheese you walk by the stove and a couple of the fringes catch on fire for a second.

4. You realize you were just ON FIRE literally and not in the way people say when someone is looking cute.

5. You decide that was the last straw and this fringe kimono is a menace to society, and post it for sale on Poshmark immediately.

Day 2,315

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Here I am on day 3 of being a mom. I’m up to day 2,315 and I’ve learned a couple of things. I think if I could go back in time, I would tell the woman in this photo that –
1. You won’t ever use that baby swing.
2. You don’t really need to take your 6 month old baby to Central Park all the time. There is a nice park 2 blocks from your apartment. She won’t remember going to Central Park as an infant, and won’t care that it’s “the best park in the world” for at least 5 more years (if ever).
3. Also unnecessary: Baby Massage Class.
4. Ok and while we’re on the subject, “dry clean only” clothing is not for you anymore. Don’t worry, the athleisure trend is right around the corner! Don’t ask.
5. If you think you’re tired now, wait 2 1/2 years.
6. This is going to be scary, and it’s also going to make you strong and emotional and resilient and goofy in ways you’ve only experienced a fraction of in life so far. You’re about to morph into a fully actualized person. It’s going to be a confusing process. I promise it’s worth it.
7. That purple horse dress hanging in the background is way too big for a baby.
8. When in doubt, hug it out.*

*Also hug it out when you aren’t in doubt. Basically hugs are the most important thing.

The World Champion of Staying Awake

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This is a public apology to anyone I’ve been short with and / or asked confusing questions to which I should have already known the answer in the past month or so. But here’s how I’ve been sleeping at night: After my daughter goes to bed at 7:30 pm sharp, my 3.5 year old son reads books and draws* and eats snacks and watches this weird guy named Blippi on YouTube and then plays some songs on his little guitar for about 3 hours, until he finally gets tired enough to start the process of thinking about beginning to fall asleep. Then around 11 pm, he crawls up on my bed where I’ve usually already dozed off a number of times, says, “Sleep is too long for me” or “I’m not tired” or “Remember when that picture fell off the wall?” (that was in our old apartment and I have no idea how he remembers it. But he was 6 months old and kept crawling over and pointing to where it was supposed to be until I hung it back up), or “Do you remember that green car I had when I was a baby?” Then I answer, “Maybe…the wooden one in your room?” And he says, “NOOOOOOO the GREEN one!!” and I say, “That one IS green.” Then we have an argument and I tell him that mommy can be nicer in the morning after she gets some sleep. At that point I’m awake enough to start googling things that have been on my mind, such as:

– How much coffee is too much?”
– How much Febreze is too much?
– Does the show PJ Masks encourage kids to stay up all night?
– Die from lack of sleep
– Die from lack of sleep science
– Can 4 year old safely eat whole bag of dried mango in 2 minutes
– Sugar bad for you science
– Sugar bad for you fake news

Then I text my husband from the other room and tell him I’ve made some horrible discovery from googling things. He tells me to get off the google. Pretty soon after that my son crawls up on the bed and after tossing and turning for around 20 minutes, climbing inside my shirt, giving me 584 zerberts and making me tell him a story (but not one in a book, one I make up on the spot), he finally gets tired enough to fall asleep. I call my husband in to carry him to his bed. My husband is now speaking in tongues. Then around 3 am, our son comes back into our bed, sprawls his tall little body across the entirety of it, and goes to sleep, sort of. Then every 10 minutes or so, his arm spazzes out and he hits me directly in the eye. That goes on until my alarm goes of at 5:50 am. In summary, my child only requires 5 hours of sleep a night in order to be a thriving, energetic little boy and that is way less than a normal adult requires and someone help me.

*Last night he brought me this drawing and said, “Mommy, I made some mermaids for you.” So everything is forgiven.

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Moms Under A Microscope

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People ask me all the time what I do while my kids are at school. Everyone asks stay at home parents that question, all the time. And for about a year before I had kids, I was a nanny. Someone I knew in the fashion industry needed one for her daughter, plus I knew I wanted to have kids of my own soon so I figured it would be a perfect transition and I would get some good experience. So I quit my 9-5, and would do school pickup every day, then bring her home and do all the after school homework help / take her to karate class / figure out dinner kind of thing. Then her parents came home and took over, and I went home. Anyway, my point is that never once in that year did anyone ever ask what I did with my mornings before I picked up my girl at school. I worked for about 6 hours a day, and the other 18 hours were all mine. But nobody cared. It’s odd.

I Miss Old New York

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I found this picture on my phone, taken just a couple of months ago. Every time we got on the L train after school, it was our tradition to walk to this specific part of the platform and stand in front of the poster for Boo 2. My kids looked at it and laughed every single day. But one day Boo 2 was gone, and replaced with a poster of a really boring looking guy. Now we go stand by the boring guy poster, but always speak fondly of Boo 2. Yesterday my daughter asked if I could find a picture of Boo 2 on the computer and print it out for her. Such heartache. It makes me miss old New York. Like from 2 months ago.