Apparently that sort of new thing where everyone is constantly saying “sorry” is really confusing to kids.

“Mommy, why did you say sorry to the grocery store lady?”

“Because I swiped my credit card the wrong way before I turned it around the right way.”

*Blank stare

“Mommy, why did that guy say he was sorry to you?”

“I guess he felt like he was taking too long putting sugar in his coffee and felt bad when he saw us standing behind him waiting.”

*Blank stare

So how do I explain that everyone just spastically says “sorry” all the time for no reason and they don’t actually mean they’re sorry, it’s just an expression?

Dear Children’s Tylenol and Whoever Makes Antibiotics For Kids,
Hey, what’s up. First off, thanks for a great product that makes my kids not be up all night with those weird night terrors they get when they’re sick sometimes. LOVE that. But to be honest, I don’t totally love that you make children’s medicine taste like candy. Something about it seems irresponsible. You may ask, “Why? Isn’t it so much nicer to have your child placidly swallow their medicine, no questions asked, instead of forcing it on them kicking and screaming?” Well, my short answer is “no.” My slightly longer answer is, “Tonight after dinner, instead of a cookie my daughter asked me for drugs. It was awkward.” My even longer answer is, “I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything, but I’m starting to envision you as a creepy Willy Wonka / drug lord / mad scientist sitting in your fancy office / witch castle thinking of new flavors to get kids hooked. Remember when we were little and all medicine tasted super nasty? And right after you swallowed it your mom would give you a piece of candy? Maybe there was a reason for that. I mean even Mary Poppins sang, “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.” Mary Poppins is the gold standard of parenting. Frankly I’m suspicious of anyone who would mess with that.”
K thanks.
Bye,
Ashley

Every New Yorker lives in secret fear of being out in public at 2:45 pm when the high schools get out. These kids go nuts, especially when the weather starts to get warm. The other day at our local pizza place, a loud, sweaty group of teenagers came in with their soccer coach. No matter what he did, the coach couldn’t seem to keep them in line. They made obscene jokes, blew wadded up straw paper at each other, and basically annoyed the crap out of everyone. Yet something about it was…nice. It wasn’t until I took my phone out to text my husband that it hit me. Not a single one of these kids were looking at their smartphone. Maybe the next generation isn’t full of technology-obsessed zombies after all. It was kind of beautiful. Then yesterday on the unusually crowded M train, yet another obnoxious group of teenagers was taking up most of the space as I squeezed in with my daughter and son in his stroller. We were pushed against the door for a couple of stops until one of the teens took a break from slinging insults with his friend and noticed us. He said to his buddy who was sitting down, “Yo man what’s wrong with you? Don’t you see she has a baby stroller? Let her sit down!” The other guy jumped up like his pants were on fire. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Here, you sit.” The kids are alright, you guys.

I turned on the Howard Stern Show this morning, and Robin was in the middle of doing the news. She said, “Have you heard about this feud between Sinead O’Connor and Arsenio Hall?” After that I repeatedly checked the dial to make sure they weren’t playing a rerun from 25 years ago. While she was talking about it, Fred played a clip of “Nothing Compares 2 U,” and all I could think of was how when I was in the 7th grade SNL did a parody and called it “Nothing Compares 2 Hair.” Everyone thought it was so funny that they would even play it on Y107 in the morning. It ended up on a mix tape of songs I recorded off the radio, and it became a staple at slumber parties that year. The joke never got old. I don’t think I ever even listened to the original version. To me the song will always be, “Nothing Compares 2 Hair.”

I have a toddler who is obsessed with construction vehicles. Before candy or hugs or anything else, if he’s having a tantrum and I say, “Want to go look for a big digger?” he will stop dead in his tracks and say, “Yay! Big digger time!” So obviously every time we pass a construction site, I stop and point at the construction workers, sometimes for so long that it begins to make them self-conscious. But I don’t care, I would do anything to make my little boy happy. It also doesn’t hurt that each time I think to myself, “WELL WELL WELL, LOOKS LIKE THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.”

Over spring break, we went to visit my family in Kentucky. I was fully prepared to take my two children on a flight all by myself while my husband stayed here to work. Aside from books, I had all four food groups: snacks, new snacks, candy, and “surprise candy” which included a small package of leftover Peeps from Easter a few weeks ago as I assume their shelf life is infinity. After my toddler slammed the tray table shut and sprayed everyone within a 3-row radius with apple juice, I decided our situation was just bad enough to break out the surprise candy. They couldn’t have been happier. My toddler lovingly bit off the bunny’s two ears. I said, “Look, he likes to eat the ears first. Do you know what I like to do? I like to try and eat it’s little face off first.” Without missing a beat my 4 year-old shouted, “I LIKE TO EAT IT’S VAGINA FIRST!”

“Shirley, Ashley has something in her teeth.”
“Dad why did you tell mom instead of me, it’s not her teeth!”
“He always does that, like I’m a translator.”
“I didn’t even eat anything, it’s like a blueberry skin out of this smoothie.”
“Want to use the toothpick I keep in my wallet? It’s reusable.”
“Ew gross! Why do you have a reusable toothpick?”
“People make fun of me every time I use it. It’s plastic though.”
“They should make fun of you. Toothpicks should never be reusable.”
“Yeah, Bob. You could DIE from that.”