My daughter was lying on my bed staring at the wall.
“Mommy, I’m watching Frozen. Did you know that’s a movie?”
“Really? I’ve never heard of that. Sounds like a pretend movie to me.”
“No it isn’t, my friend at school said she saw it!”
“I dunno, are you sure she didn’t make it up? That doesn’t sound like a real movie.”
“I’m watching pretend Frozen!”
Hmmmm, wonder how long I can keep this one going.

Some lady on the street in Williamsburg- “I love your daughter’s leggings!”
Me- “Thanks! I even have the same exact pair in my size.”
Lady- “Oh yeah, I remember when American Apparel had those like three years ago.”
OH NO SHE DI’INT

It was one of those rainy days in New York where everyone was wet and disheveled, except for this super suave guy in a suit standing across the train platform.

Sometimes when I give my daughter Pirate’s Booty for a snack she says, “Pirate’s Booty? Why don’t they call it Pirate’s BUTT? Mommy can I have some more BUTT please?” and laughs so hard at her own joke that she falls off the chair. Other times she sits calmly and talks to me, and says things like, “Mommy, did you know that a camel with only one hump is called a dromedary?” and it seems like she’s 30 years old. I never know which it’s going to be, but I love both.

What’s funny is that the people who used to be into Nine Inch Nails are now the people who eat oysters al fresco by Madison Square Park.

Everyone tells you to cherish the time when your babies are small. But to really put that in perspective they should say, “Cherish the time when you can eat your baby’s Halloween candy without them noticing.”

My daughter just said, “My favorite movie is “Barf.” It’s an old movie, so it looks like a TV show. First the Incredible Hulk barfs in the toilet. Then a baseball player barfs on a pumpkin. Haha! It’s such a funny movie!” Then she went in the bathroom and while she was in there I heard her talking to herself about it. She said, “The Incredible Hulk doesn’t barf! Haha! That’s so crazy!” Then she came out and said there was another movie called “New Movie About Old Books,” where people sit around reading old books. Do I have any connections to big time Hollywood producers? If so she would like to set up a meeting. Thanks.

Shout out to the amazon reviewer who gave peanut butter pretzels 2 out of 5 stars because she “wishes they were healthier.” I hear ya, girlfriend.

My daughter keeps talking about how she wants to be president. I told her it takes a lot of hard work. She said, “Yes. You have to go to president school for 60 years. I wonder what my brother is going to be when he grows up. Probably my president friend. Or the president of boobs.”

A lady was walking next to me on the sidewalk. She said, “Your kids are beautiful, I wish mine were still that small!”
“Aww. How old are yours?”
“31. I’m a grandma now.”
“Well I hear that’s pretty great too!”
The lady looks around like she’s afraid someone will hear what she’s about to say, then whispers, “You love your grandkids MORE. Don’t ever tell anyone I said that.”
I knew it!