Category: Uncategorized

It’s the Little Things. And the Big Things.

My husband is the type of person who unfolds all the newly folded t-shirts in his drawer just to find the one he wants, and doesn’t think to fold them back. When I say, “Oh look, you unfolded all the shirts again YAY FOLDING IS MY FAVORITE THING TO DO” he says, “Ash, all we are is dust in the wind.” Seriously. That is his standard reply. He frequently forgets to eat. He once asked where we keep the towels after we had been living together in the same apartment for 10 years. But first thing every morning, he goes into the kitchen and makes each of our kids an adorable little breakfast. I’ve never asked him to do this. He gets out their colorful plastic kid plates, then precisely arranges tiny piles of organic cinnamon cereal, raisins and almonds. Then he fills up two tiny cups with water, and two more cups with chocolate milk or juice. Finally he adds fresh fruit of some kind. This morning he laid out a perfect row of orange slices on a Curious George napkin for Sage before she even woke up. I said, “That’s so cute, it looks like sushi.” He simply said, “Well, she’s my little girl.”

When Everything is Terrible Then Pocky Appears

Sometimes everything is terrible and you’re walking really fast pushing a screaming toddler who won’t fall asleep while you’re on the phone with your health insurance company going, “What is wrooooong with you peopleeeee???” and old ladies keep giving you the stink eye because your kid doesn’t have gloves on because he took them off 25 times in the past hour but they don’t know that they just think you’re a negligent mom and your hair color is making you sad and your neck is sore from when you zipped up your neck skin in your jacket while in a rush this morning and then you whip around the corner and there are two adorable Japanese anime looking girls HANDING OUT FREE FULL SIZE BOXES OF POCKY LIKE ANGELS SENT FROM HEAVEN #blessed

The Jean Genie

bowie_n

David Bowie was magic living on earth in human form. His music would change with each listening. You could hear a song you’d heard a million times and suddenly be like, “Did he just say ‘There’s lemons on sale again’ What the hell is he talking about?” Then you would remember that he was an actual alien, because no human could possibly contain that much talent, and it made sense. And it was perfect. When I was pregnant for the first time I put little speakers on my belly and played lots of songs. Nothing happened, and I was beginning to feel silly until I put on “Jean Genie.” She went completely nuts in there. So from then on it was the only song I played for her, and she did a little fetus dance every time. So when my son came along, I knew what to do. And again, he did a little baby slam dance in my belly. Every time. To this day I think hospitals should use that song to turn breech babies.

It’s Possible I’m on Acid

Jeez lady, do you have a staring problem? Oh wait, maybe you just saw me lean over and scoop up a handful of regurgitated apple skins from the front of my son’s wool sweater and stuff it into my mouth, hairy bits and all. What can I tell you? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Or maybe you overheard me calling my daughter’s Cheerios her “chocolate goat vitamins.” What can I tell you? Sometimes she gets mad if I don’t call them that, so I’m just being safe. I assure you I’m not on an acid trip, I’m just being a mom.

MY Toot

My daughter is really proud of her farts, so proud that every time she hears anything that sounds like one she says, “That was MY toot!” It could be a ketchup bottle, or a chair scooting on the floor, or someone else’s actual fart. So whenever we’re in a public restroom and someone farts in the next stall, of course she yells, “THAT WAS MY TOOT!” and I rush her out the door before the person who did it can come out and see us.

Windows 95 Pants

pantz.jpgI have these really goofy sweatpants made by the fabulously hilarious company O-mighty, and they have minesweeper and the Windows 95 logo and all this other old computer stuff on them. Every time I wear them my husband is like, “You love wearing stuff from the 90’s.” And I’m like, “No, if someone in the 90’s actually wore these it would have been weird! People would be like, “Why do your pants have all that totally normal computer stuff on them?” You don’t get it!” Every time.

NYC Has it All (Except Children’s Gloves)

They should sell children’s sized gloves everywhere. Metrocard vending machines. Coffee shops. Schools. At the doctor’s office. The cereal aisle in the grocery store. Where you put money in the parking meter, children’s gloves should also be available. When the server finishes taking your order in a restaurant they should say, “And do your kids need gloves with their pasta?” When you go to the post office they should ask, “Do you need any stamps or children’s gloves today?” They should have citi bike except for children’s gloves. Entire lanes of traffic blocked off exclusively to sell gloves. And there would be no overhead cost because they could just collect the ones kids threw all over the sidewalk that morning and resell them.

2 Chainz

Two dorky guys and a girl were on the train.
Guy #1: Do we get out here?
Girl: No, I said it was two stops!
Guy #2: You know how I remembered that? Because I thought to myself “two trains.” Like the rapper 2 Chainz. I do that for everything. Like if a room has two windows I say, “two panes!” And if I’m driving and have to move to the far right lane I’m like “two lanes!”
Girl: “He’s right! He does that for everything!”
Guy #1: “So like, if I spill something on my shirt I can say two stains?”
Guy #2: “No man, that one’s stupid.”

I KNOW

Yes, I know my son has a runny nose. No, that’s not why he’s crying. He’s crying because he’s going to fall asleep in less than a minute. This is what he does before he takes a nap in the stroller. I know this because I’m his mom. No, I’m not going to wipe his nose. If I do he will totally freak out and it will delay his nap by at least an hour. Then the rest of the day will be all weird. I have a system. Because I’m his mom. Oh look, in the time it took for you to ask me over and over about his runny nose he fell asleep. Told ya.